BUT TOO-NIGHT THANK GOD IT'S THEM INSTEAD OF YOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Don't know what came over me...

State Of The Family - 2006

Please note: The following blog does not represent the thoughts, feelings or opinions of my wife. She finds none of this amusing or useful.

In the last couple of years, a number of our friends, relations and creditors have sent us polite year-in-review type of holiday cards that recap their accomplishments and triumphs during the year. These cards usually mean one of several things: 1) We convince ourselves there are little victories to be won in the face of an overwhelming and undeniable trend toward decay and entropy; 2) We’re too apathetic to actually reach out and keep in touch with you during the year; 3) We’re too lazy to write you all individually; or 4) We don’t actually like you all that much.

Whichever category you’re in, rest assured, we’re thinking about you at this time of year. Or we’d like you to think that we’re thinking of you this time of year. And after all, that’s what the holiday season is all about.

Zoe started to blossom at day care. Every day a different classmate would come up to her at the end of the day and say, “Zoe, will you be my best friend?” We consider this an auspicious start to her political career and we have started a fund-raising mailing list and an exploratory committee for a presidential run in 2008.

Zoe also started dance class, which includes tap, ballet and tumbling. Naturally, she is extraordinarily gifted and we plan to have start training for the New York City Ballet next year. We don’t want to push her too hard, you understand.

She’s also started gymnastics class and is in the running for a slot on the 2008 Olympic team. We think she’s got a shot. But even if she doesn’t, you’re never too young for a taste of bitterness and disappointment.


Jacob, meanwhile, is charming the pants off of every living creature, from the neighbors next door who rake leaves in front of our driveway, to the shitzu Cujo that lives across the street. He’s been working on his counting skills by counting the dead coming home from Iraq. But don’t worry. We’re winning the war.

Zoe and he developed formula that will simultaneously solve the world’s energy crisis and global warming problems.

But then Jacob pushed the wrong button and deleted it.



Deborah’s slate of productions this year included:

Shakespeare’s As You Like It at the Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival

Joe Orton’s What The Butler Saw at the Two River Theatre in Red Bank, NJ

Christine Simpson’s The Great Conjurer, a Fluid Motion production (P.S. If you missed the latter, then you fucked up, because it was really good).

Next year’s she on tap to do: Sam Sheppard’s True West at Two River and Peter Pan someplace in Princeton.

As for Derek, his rotisserie baseball team finished in 5th place out of 20 after two consecutive showings in 2nd place. He places his defeat squarely at the feet of Felix Hernandez, Javier Vazquez, and Adam Dunn.

As for work. He’s still employed at the same MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET he’s worked at for the previous 8 ½ years. But if things break right, he’ll be replaced by a button by the end of 2007.

Happy holidays, everyone.

In praise of the pomegranate frappuccino

For the second winter in a row, our friendly neighborhood java conglomerate drove a double tall latte through my heart by discontinuing the only beverage I like on their menu: the pomegranate frappuccino.

I loved this drink because: 1) where else can you get a Slurpee for $5; 2) it's cool to devote yourself to a food whose fruit lies in the seeds and 3) I just like the word "pomegranate."

The owner of the said-store questioned the value of selling iced beverages in the middle of winter. Point taken. But the decaf pumpkin-turd robusto blend isn't exactly leaping off the shelf either. Requiescat in pace, o pomegranate frappuccino. We hardly knew ye.

Feed The World ... but not while I'm eating

In my most recent bout with insomnia (Jiffy Squid 0, Insomnia 349), I selected the Live Aid DVD(s) for my viewing pleasure. Don't ask me why. A mini-infatuation with The Jam/Style Council, possibly. Nostalgia for the 70s, maybe. Watched Life Of Brian too many times, definitely. Nevertheless, there I am at 5:30 a.m., a bowl of Apple Jacks before me, waiting to watch the parade of 80s hair, synth pop bands and my beloved Pretenders.

In order to watch the Wembley and the USA portions seemlessly, the way I listened on the radio in summer camp some 21 years ago, you have to select the "Play All" link. But before you can get to the rousing sounds of Status Quo's rollicking version of John Fogerty's "Rockin' All Over The World," you have to watch the original 7-minute BBC news report from 1984 on the Ethiopian famine -- the one the inspired Bob Geldof to assemble Band Aid and Live Aid.

And you can't skip past it either.

Now, I'm a pretty politically correct guy. I vote Democrat. I contribute to liberal causes when I can. I listen to public radio and pay lip service to Ralph Nader. But nothing quite prepared me for sitting in front of the TV screen with emaciated Ethiopians staring back at me while I'm shoving Apple Jacks into my mouth. I felt dirty somehow.

I'm not sure any of this has a point. Other than: If you get a fit of 80s nostalgia, watch Live Aid on an empty stomach.

This will also help when Ultravox takes the stage, followed by Spandau Ballet.